The older you become, the more life's complexity will slap your face. said People.

Sekarang gue tau rasanya gimana. 

Semuanya numpuk jadi satu. All I want to do  is just escaping for a little while. 

These recent months have been really hard for me. 

Mulai dari masuk hari pertama semester 5 ini, sampe saat UAS udah kelar gini, saat gue blogging.

Everyday I think about it.... I question it why.

Hal itu mempengaruhi hidup gue, secara langsung maupun tidak. Dan gue gak bohong, I haven't felt this damaged before. Like, satu semester banget, loh.

I don't need any heart-whelming words.

I just need a point of time when I am slapped by the bitterness.

I need to feel a huge huge huge sadness so this huge sadness will be beaten.

I need to re-start my life, and let this all game over.

But the situation goes different, after hundred of days passing by,

akhirnya gue menemukan jawaban. And I thought I feel glad. Really really glad that I believed I was relieve.

Tapi ternyata....... tidak. Aku belum lega.

Pernah nonton HIMYM? Ada episode saat Robin cemburu banget sama Patrice karena Patrice with Barney gitu, dia mau pecat Patrice because of that jealousy. She thinks she is trapped in the well where only Patrice can help her. Dia pikir dia akan lega, keluar dari sumur, saat dia pecat Patrice. But guess what... she didn't feel relieve. 

Ternyata, she is trapped by her own mind. Dan yang punya tali untuk ngebantu dia keluar dari sumur itu adalah........... dirinya sendiri.

Yap, kira-kira itu lah yang gue rasakan. Bukan masalah jealousy ya. Tapi masalah dipenjara oleh pikiran sendiri itu, loh.
Sekarang gue sadar kalo sebenarnya, all happiness I should feel in these recent months is not trapped by the question. That happiness is trapped inside me. Yang bisa bantu Khoirun untuk keluar dari sumur adalah Khoirun sendiri, dengan izin Allah tentunya.

Jadi, nggak ada lagi yang namanya ngelamun di malam hari sampe gak tidur seharian.

Nggak ada lagi yang namanya tiba-tiba ngerasa sendirian di tengah keramaian.

Nggak ada lagi yang namanya minum kopi sehari 3-5 kali (ini nyambung gak ya)

Because, Dear self, you always are deserved to be happy.

And you define happiness as being close with Him, Allah Jalla Jalaluhu. right?

So, let it go and be happy!