Dear June,

Today I feel like completely confused with how i perceive love. you know that i am a desperate romantic, aren't you? i just wish someone will come for me, in the perfect timing and perfect situation. now, i push people away. i really do. my friends say that i am too picky. well, i am not! i am looking for habibae. i am looking for someone whom i completely trust. i am looking for someone whose love ain't hard with him. i am looking for someone so fit in my soul.. it makes me peaceful. someone who doesn't have any reasons not to love himself.

some people are just going too worldly. and others don't have big dreams for this world.
i am a hybrid. habibae should be a hybrid... maybe.

can i just meet someone who invents something magical for this world? for example like, maybe a flying carpet like aladdin, or a cure of cancer in pills, or maybe a whole new programming language, a smart way to invade venus, a way to make elephants a lot more little like cats. something magical that it impacts people so much.

or maybe... not that big.
simply just someone who has a non-profit school / program to help those who need.

someone who is as visioner as i am.

oh! maybe there is the problem, june! i am looking for a perfect habibae whilst here i am watching shitty videos on youtube everyday, laughing over nasty comedy, listening to "nggir ra minggir tabrak" and laugh over my own self then.

i might not as visioner as i think i am.

but...
but...
will i give up on my dream lists just because i want to be loved?
i guess not...

june, i think i am not ready for 22.
how about you?

“Cinta itu mensucikan akal, mengenyahkan kekhawatiran, memunculkan keberanian, mendorong berpenampilan rapi, membangkitkan selera makan, menjaga akhlak mulia, membangkitkan semangat, mengenakan wewangian, memperhatikan pergaulan yang baik, serta menjaga adab dan kepribadian. Tapi cinta juga merupakan ujian bagi orang-orang yang shaleh dan cobaan bagi ahli ibadah." — Kutipan dari kitab Taman Orang-orang Jatuh Cinta dan Memendam Rindu.

Huehehee......... bukannya ngerjain skripsi eh malah nonton ginian. Ya gapapa sih, menambah ilmu serta khazanah insya Alloh. Emang yah, apa-apa tuh langsung hubungi Alloh aja deh... kalo lagi begini atau begitu, ya udah langsung hubungi Alloh. Yang tau mana yang terbaik buat kita mah Alloh :") Haduu... adem kayanya yah kalo tiap saat bisa langsung inget Alloh, apa daya diri ini imannya lemah dan sok tau mana yang baik, hiks.. Moga kita semua selalu dekat dengan Alloh... Moga semua hal dalam hidup bisa dikembalikannya ke Alloh, bukan ke makhluknya :'D Kalopun udah nikah nanti, moga ajaaa kalian dan aku mah dijauhin dari menjadi bucin alias budak cinta, hahaha. Mau status single atau mingle atau apakek, Alloh mah haruss jadi yang pertama, bukan makluk-Nya, bukan pasangan kita. Sia-sia atuh kalo misalkan kerja sekarang cuma buat demi cinta, sia-sia atuh kalo belajar cuma buat si dia. Hiiiih, hati-hati syirik kecil #NTMSBANGET. Semuanya harus karena Alloh, ya khaaan.... da kita mah apa atuh hanyalah hamba Alloh :'(

Walaupun di meja lab TA ada buku Taman Orang-orang Jatuh Cinta dan Memendam Rindu-nya Imam Ibn Qoyyim Al-Jauziyah dan di blog kerjannya ngepost ginian, that doesn't always mean I got love struck loh ya........... :p 

Ingat-ingat post love later, guys! #AllohFirst #LoveLater 

Berhenti di sana. Jangan lagi kamu berjalan meski pelan-pelan. Aku takut ketika kamu jatuh, tanganku belum siap di sana untuk menangkapmu. Jadi tunggu dulu.Tunggu. Sampai mulutku tak lagi gagu. Sampai bicaraku lancar tanpa harus fokus pada jantung yang dengan cepat berdebar. Aku tidak akan mengatakan kata-kata yang diucapkan kebanyakan orang: pasaran, bualan. Jadi biarkan aku berkreasi sambil membaca situasi. Dan selama itu, silahkan kamu menunggu. —Cinta adalah Perlawanan

2:05 AM. I am laughing so hard while reading this book. 
This reminds me of young people yang kerjaannya galau mulu (not me! not me!)
Yup, orang-orang yang sukanya menghayal tentang sesuatu yang sebenernya nggak penting. 
Yang membayangkan kalo apa yang terjadi sama ka azhar dan istri juga akan terjadi sama mereka. 
Yang kerjaannya ya gitu-gitu aja. Yang pikirannya ya gitu-gitu aja. Nggak jauh-jauh dari cin-ta ala sinetron.

Haduh, please, guys, listen to me.

life is not all about frickin love! it is not all about the delusion you create with someone you think mean the whole world with you. There are infants dying outside because of hunger, children who can not study in school, oldies who don't have any home, never-ending wars, family who fast because they have no food, etc. It is 2016! And guess what, after all those world problems to be solved, you still are eaten by the imagination of delusional love. Oh, the irony. Come on! You say you want to change the world, but your mind filled with love only. Guys, please do realize that it is 2016. Go revive you light, manifest your dreams, save your idea of love for later, save the world and realize your worth.

 

Romantic relationship is like a supply chain.

To achieve every stages' objectives equitably, there must be a supply chain coordination.
But sometimes, this coordination is hard to build. A lack of coordination usually occurs either becuase different stages of supply chain have objectives that conflict or because information moving between stages are distorted.
This will lead to negative effect on performance at every stage and thus hurts the relationship among different stages of supply chain. There's a tendency to assign blame to other stage of supply chain because each stage thinks it is doing the best it can. The lack of coordination thus leads to a loss of trust among different stages of supply chain and makes any potential coordination efforts more difficult.

So yeah, every stages involved must have the same objective from the very beginning, trust each other, and communicate well.

I really think that there is particular strain of people who are simply born to be in relationships.
I’d imagine this is an excellent way to be.
I’d imagine that the capacity to prioritize other people is indicative of a strong self-concept. That the people who can enter and remain in relationships without second-guessing themselves every step of the way have something figured out that the rest of us haven’t.
But the truth is, I wouldn’t know.
Nothing about relationships has ever felt natural to me.

I think that if there is a particular strain of relationship people, I must be of the opposite breed. The kind that looks at the task of combining two lives together as a sort of emotional Everest. The kind that feels their chest constricting at each milestone they surpass. The kind that sees compromise or accommodation as the ultimate betrayal of themselves – even the best kind of compromise. Even the healthiest, most expansive form of interpersonal growth.

It’s as though there’s a quiet, insistent voice in the back of my mind that consistently warns me not to give or lend too much, for fear that there’ll be nothing left over. That enough giving will simply tap me dry. As though hearts and happiness and love are finite measures that must be conserved at all costs. As though giving in on even the smallest matter runs the risk of bowling me over.
So many people seem to find it so natural to lend themselves to others: To give time and emotion and investment away, never worrying about what they’re losing in the process. Never wondering how else they could be using that time. Investing that energy. Harnessing that emotion. But for a particular variety of people, it’s haunting – any small act of giving up ourselves.

Because the thing is, I belong completely to myself.
I always have. 

It’s a blessing when you need to go seek what you want out of the world on your own. It is a blessing when you need to take risks in a way that requires true self-confidence. It is a blessing when you push yourself professionally, academically, personally, to move eternally closer to the life that you want.
But the remaining ten percent of the time it’s a curse.

It’s a curse when you fall in love with someone else. 

It’s a curse when you start to grow up – when the camaraderie of being young and foolish together subsides and people begin to settle into real relationships – the kind that require interdependency. It’s a curse when you want that, too. When you want to be able to compromise so badly that it tears you apart at the seams. And yet some deeply seated part of yourself won’t let go.

Won’t let go of the notion that your heart isn’t meant to belong to someone else. That nothing will ever be bigger or stronger or more important than the life that you want on your own. That no matter how much you love somebody else, you are never going to be able to achieve one hundred percent of what you want out of life while you belong, in part, to someone besides yourself.

That you were never meant to be half of a whole. That you’re already complete on your own.
And as soon as this mindset consumes you, you’re done. You know that at some point or another, no matter how badly you want things to work with someone else, they will always, inevitably, fall apart. They fall apart slowly. They fall apart seamlessly. They fall apart in a series of small, covert moments where you choose yourself over the other person. When you say no instead of yes. When you go instead of stay. When you only pretend to entertain the option that would be the best for both of you, because you already know what is best for yourself.

And what’s best is always going to be the thing that calls to you. The thing that entices you. The thing that haunts you in the dead of night when you are lying happily in bed beside somebody else.
Because some people were born intuitively knowing how to love and some were born intuitively knowing how to be alone.

Maybe a happy mixture of both can be achieved eventually.
But for now, you only know how to be alone.