Nidi's online diary.: life and dreams

In life and dreams,

Today, I learnt

친구야... 이제 그 손을 놓아... 걱정과 우울은 네가 붙잡고 있는만큼만 네 곁에 머물러. 네가 그것들을 붙잡고 있는동안 자꾸자꾸 부풀어져가지.... 아주 쉽단다... 그 손을 놓기만하면 돼. 자....하나,, 둘,, 셋~!!!

Hi, blog!

I am so emotionally exhausted right now, mau tidur aja. Tapi gak boleh. Today I was so happy with being around my bestfriends, tapi pulangnya di jalan yha seperti biasa I cry somehow somewhat memikirkan kehidupan. Jadi, apa yang gue rasakan hari ini harus didokumentasikan sekarang juga agar kedepannya gue tidak jatuh ke lubang yang sama (yakin?!).

Today, I learnt more about my self:

no matter how many turret I have destroyed, no matter how many enemies I have killed, no matter how long I distract my self with mobile legend (i know it sounds terrible), I will always be the kind of girl with deep feeling, deep affection.

I started the game because I am inspired with how my guy friends don't give a f towards life. They spend hours with games, worry less about life and stuffs. But apparently, it doesn't work on me. I can not put my "things" in a separated boxes. My mind is wired, everything is connected to one another. once it crumbles, everything does.

Today, I learnt more about my self:

My new addiction to game is not that great as an escape of life. because human being simply can't escape life.

Today, I learnt more about my self:

Being close to God is all I need lah!

Today, I learnt more about my self:

It is not a new thing, but I know the only reason why I don't want to be a doctor is because I will always cry to see someone/something in pain. I always cry. Always.

Today, I learnt more about my self:

Am not that kind as a human being, actually. I didn't have the gut to take care of stray cat just because I can't see it in pain. There are a lot of great people who actually want to help. And I am glad to know them. /will post about it in different post insya Alloh/

Today, I realized:

I have no place.
I do not want to compete with anyone anymore.
I am so stupid because I know how awful and terrible it felt, how I ended up broken, but I still do it. It is more idiot than stupid anw.

Today, I asked more to my self:

What do you expect?
Why are you so stupid?
Why don't you realize?
Why don't you give up?
WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD?

Saaadly,

The boiling frog is now boiling herself. Maybe she has done it all the time.

Yaudahlah daripada sedih berkepanjangan, main game lagi aja. #sesat

Byelah!

Xx.

, by Khoirunnida

In life and dreams,

Trash bin.

, by Khoirunnida

In a road I walk, life and dreams

Emancipation?

Không còn chú ý đèn giao thông, ngày xưa người ta đâu cần đèn. Vẫn tìm được người thương đấy thôi.

Living in 2017 as a woman is quite challenging, as it is in another previous or upcoming years, I believe. Truth is, life is always challenging for everyone. But, here I am talking about me facing life as woman in 2017.

Emancipation has done its job since years ago, at least in my town. I don't have to worry to study high nor to reach dreams. I can go back home in night from work without worrying that people might stone me to death. I can go alone wherever I want to. I can start a family and not quitting my job. However, there are still things that I perceive differently with most of people. As a human, my perception towards life is got through my learning process, which is affected by three things: environment, cognitive, and behavior. That's Social Cognitive Theory by Prof Bandura, which I've been exploring for 1,5 years in my research to see technology adoption.

What I believe about a piece of life through learning is:

I have the same right as men to study as high as I want
I have the same right as men to contribute everything to the world I have as human being
Working is a form of developing my self to be better and again, to contribute something to the world
Working should be based on good intention, not for money nor fame, so that it can be valued as a worship action to God
As working for woman is just a choice, I don't have the obligation to work.
It is a must that spouse agrees for me to work
My main role is still to take care of family, children and home.
It is believed to count taking care of family as a contribution to make world a better place
If I choose to work, I must not neglect my role, my qodrat.

I don't know if most of woman agree with most of what I stated above.

However, the question is, in which level does it count to woman to successfully fulfill their roles while at the same time reaching dreams they love? in which level does it count to them to fail?

The answer is,

There is no such precise level as most of woman are always insecure if what they do is not enough for their family, for their children. if we will never be good enough as a mom.

For me, at least,

I know I will never be good enough to be a mom one day. I am not the type of woman who can do everything in one hand and successfully nail everything. I have to prioritize things. Thus, I choose to minimize the possibility of me forgetting my main role in this world. As cheesy and conservative as it sounds, I am not going to work if it possibly means neglecting my own family, such having a strict working time, not being able to cook for my family, being stressful or overwhelmed by workload, etc. I understand not everyone can accept how I perceive this. I know most men nowadays want a more open-minded woman (as if I'm not open-minded? byelah!). But, it is okay because we all are differently shaped by life, right? It is just me, with my huge affection feeling towards almost everything. It is my choice.

I just want to say to my fellow woman, you have the right to choose how you want to live your life. However, just keep in mind that we have that main role. Again, how you want to fulfill your role depends. on how you perceive life. on how environment, cognitive and behavior affect one to another. Just try your best, kay?

You go, girl!

X.O.X.O

What do you think, habibae? /ditimpuk/ /ngmg sama siapalu/

, by Khoirunnida

In a road I walk, life and dreams

A day well spent in Ancol.

Hi Hi,

Alhamdulillah, I just got my first debut to present my study in a conference, which is ICACSIS (International Conference on Advanced Computer Science and Information System). The conference was held for two days, here is my story:

Day One.

Arrived so late, like on 14:00. Didn't get the chance to see my friend (Made Ayu) presenting her paper. But, after that, we talked a lot because we hadn't seen each other for months. Lovely moment!

my nametag

I happened to watch plenary speech, but it was all about computer-science thing. My brain couldn't cope with that, LOL.

Plenary speech by prof Heru

I went home at 17:30. The sky was very dark, it was raining sooo heavy. Trust me, it was one of the worst moments for me on road. I almost hit another car several times because I couldn't see anything due to my bad sight ability. But alhamdulillah I came home safe.

Nightmare

Day two.

Even though I only had 3 hours sleep in the last night, I managed to arrive at 7:00 (#independentwoman). My presentation schedule was at 8:00 with Bu Putu as moderator. She's my fave lecturer, anyway! Alhamdulillaah I kinda did my presentation quite well.

After having presentation, I went to SeaWorld with e-health students who attended the conference (what kind of asdos I am LOL). Had a great time there! Especially in jellyfish aquarium.. They are soo aesthetically satisfying and beautiful.

oddly annoying!

We only spent 2 hours in SeaWorld because it was actually a quite small place to explore. After that, we went back to conference venue to have lunch and attend another paper presentations and plenary speeches. At last, there was announcement for best presenters in each sessions. Sadly, I didn't get it. hiks! my competitive soul needs to chill a lil bit, deh.

That's that.

Overall, I am so thankful to God and proud of my self for being able to publish my paper and present in an international conference (tho it was held by Fasilkom UI). I know I love working in this field and I am looking forward to seeing another great opportunities!

Xx.

, by Khoirunnida

In life and dreams,

What I learn in this week.

Hi, blog.

I don't know why but I feel like telling you how my life is going on right now.

29 Beautiful Illustrated Quotes You Must See

Vulnerabilities.

This, this is ain't easy to talk here. But I am trying to write down what I've been thinking in these past days. I got two comments about me and how vulnerable I am. Yes! those who said it clearly used the "vulnerable" term

First, someone said that I look too vulnerable here, in this blog. Of course that person is talking about me and my idea of love. Moreover, the person clearly said that it is like I am an attention seeker.
Second, my juniors (whom I assist) told me that they thought I wouldn't fit in to be a lecturer, as I am too vulnerable. Because I smile too much, in their opinion, and it makes me so bully-able.

First,

I admit that I overly overreacted to the first comment. It really hurt me, I cried for hours. What I thought was: why is anyone out there gotta be mean to someone whom they don't personally know? that person is not in my inner circle, I never talked to that person in real life. why would he say such awful thing to me?

In my defense, I have been trying to reduce myself sharing about my personal life on internet. I don't use IG anymore, I don't tell what I do in daily basis there. Apparently, I only use Twitter to rant, to laugh at awful jokes, to retweet about cats and dogs. And this blog is pretty much the only place I can share what I feel. Highlight: I don't share every blog posts to social media. I can count what posts I ever shared to socmed: my hijab story, my bijicengke life, and how I quit social media. And I really do not expect anyone to go on reading another post after they read the post I shared. Plus, who am I to them? Doesn't it make any sense?

In my another defense, I am lonely. And I am going to say it again: this is the only place I can share my feelings. I only have two friends I trust and I'm comfortable being with. And they have their own life, they are not 24/7 ready to listen to my $hit.

In my another defense, how if I am really needy and clingy and all thirsty about love like you said? At least I am writing it here, on my blog. Doesn't it make any sense?

However, after thinking very clearly in these past two days, I realized that person got a point: this blog is publicly running on internet, it is as bad as another social media. and it is not a place to share our deep feelings. So yup, I re-read everything I post here, and I decided to delete more than 10 posts about my crazy feeling.

Changing this blog's address crossed my mind, but I decided not to. Because I am not a girl you can define by yourself. Yes, I am needy and I am clingy. But I love my self for who I am. And if you think I am now seeking anyone's attention: you are wrong. I can seek attention using a worse way, but I don't. What do I do? I choose to write cheesy posts on my blog. Plus, if you think that there will be no man wanting a girl whose posts are so cheesy like me, it is okay. It is not my loss at all.

Oh dear friend, you do not know anything about me and my personal life. You don't know what hells I have been through. We're not close, and even though you said it via DM, that is not how you should give comment to someone's blog. You crossed the line. But, thanks anyway. You make me realized how vulnerable I am, and how I love my self for being one.

Second,

I took my junior's comment to improve my self. I think their point is not to stopping me from smiling, but it's more like being more assertive in front of students. It's okay, juniors, teaching is all I want to do all my life. I will never stop learning how to be a good teacher. Thank you for helping me! Xoxo.

Future.

One thing my parents haven't known right now: I didn't apply CPNS. Besides I forgot to apply, the heart knows what it wants. I know they think it is so risky since I have no permanent job right now and my LPDP scholarship might fail. But, I only live once in this worldly life, right? I want to try chasing my dream, even if it hurts. even if it seems like it is impossible.

Am I scared about what might happen in the future? Yes, kinda. I know I might will never get a chance to study abroad. But, at least I tried. at least I know that whatever meant for me will never miss me. Tho I might won't get the scholarship, it is okay. Tutte le strade portano a Roma, there are many ways to get to Rome. All I want to achieve is just to teach, studying abroad is just a way to reach it. LOL, this is actually just me motivating myself on my blog.

Friendship

I realized I have been being kinda hard on my sister. She's like the opposite me, anyway. She got a lot of bestfriends to hang out with everyday. On the other hand, me is a kind of girl with lot of friends but very very very small inner circle and doesn't like hanging out without purpose. So I happened to get irritated to her everytime she hangs out with her friends. I did it because I was afraid she would be sad when her friends leave her in the future. But, I realize that we're just different. She likes her life going like that. And I can't force her to act like me. Just because my friendship life is wrecked, doesn't mean she will have the issue like me too (I really pray it won't). So yup, I am now trying to get kinder to her. I wish she will be happy and won't have to go through heart breaks just to be mature.

Off the grid.

I don't know why but I think I kinda am. I think I am now in a period of time when I am overwhelmed by some things, and it makes me being off the grid, in a embarrassing way that I even laugh my self at and can't write it on blog. However, I know the medicine on how to get me back on the track. Basically just doing my sanity-starter-pack which I don't do for days: start journaling, reduce twitter usage, do laundry every morning, track my habit and basically.. do self-care routine. LOL.

---

Wow, it is a quite long post.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal for He has blessed me with this week. I am glad I can learn on how to improve my self to be better, how to fit in to people by being me, how to define between taking critics to improve and to please people.

Have a good sleep.

Xoxo.

, by Khoirunnida

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, by Khoirunnida

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