What I learn in this week.
09.55.00
Hi, blog.
I don't know why but I feel like telling you how my life is going on right now.
Vulnerabilities.
This, this is ain't easy to talk here. But I am trying to write down what I've been thinking in these past days. I got two comments about me and how vulnerable I am. Yes! those who said it clearly used the "vulnerable" term
- First, someone said that I look too vulnerable here, in this blog. Of course that person is talking about me and my idea of love. Moreover, the person clearly said that it is like I am an attention seeker.
- Second, my juniors (whom I assist) told me that they thought I wouldn't fit in to be a lecturer, as I am too vulnerable. Because I smile too much, in their opinion, and it makes me so bully-able.
First,
I admit that I overly overreacted to the first comment. It really hurt me, I cried for hours. What I thought was: why is anyone out there gotta be mean to someone whom they don't personally know? that person is not in my inner circle, I never talked to that person in real life. why would he say such awful thing to me?
In my defense, I have been trying to reduce myself sharing about my personal life on internet. I don't use IG anymore, I don't tell what I do in daily basis there. Apparently, I only use Twitter to rant, to laugh at awful jokes, to retweet about cats and dogs. And this blog is pretty much the only place I can share what I feel. Highlight: I don't share every blog posts to social media. I can count what posts I ever shared to socmed: my hijab story, my bijicengke life, and how I quit social media. And I really do not expect anyone to go on reading another post after they read the post I shared. Plus, who am I to them? Doesn't it make any sense?
In my another defense, I am lonely. And I am going to say it again: this is the only place I can share my feelings. I only have two friends I trust and I'm comfortable being with. And they have their own life, they are not 24/7 ready to listen to my $hit.
In my another defense, how if I am really needy and clingy and all thirsty about love like you said? At least I am writing it here, on my blog. Doesn't it make any sense?
However, after thinking very clearly in these past two days, I realized that person got a point: this blog is publicly running on internet, it is as bad as another social media. and it is not a place to share our deep feelings. So yup, I re-read everything I post here, and I decided to delete more than 10 posts about my crazy feeling.
Changing this blog's address crossed my mind, but I decided not to. Because I am not a girl you can define by yourself. Yes, I am needy and I am clingy. But I love my self for who I am. And if you think I am now seeking anyone's attention: you are wrong. I can seek attention using a worse way, but I don't. What do I do? I choose to write cheesy posts on my blog. Plus, if you think that there will be no man wanting a girl whose posts are so cheesy like me, it is okay. It is not my loss at all.
Oh dear friend, you do not know anything about me and my personal life. You don't know what hells I have been through. We're not close, and even though you said it via DM, that is not how you should give comment to someone's blog. You crossed the line. But, thanks anyway. You make me realized how vulnerable I am, and how I love my self for being one.
Second,
I took my junior's comment to improve my self. I think their point is not to stopping me from smiling, but it's more like being more assertive in front of students. It's okay, juniors, teaching is all I want to do all my life. I will never stop learning how to be a good teacher. Thank you for helping me! Xoxo.
Future.
One thing my parents haven't known right now: I didn't apply CPNS. Besides I forgot to apply, the heart knows what it wants. I know they think it is so risky since I have no permanent job right now and my LPDP scholarship might fail. But, I only live once in this worldly life, right? I want to try chasing my dream, even if it hurts. even if it seems like it is impossible.
Am I scared about what might happen in the future? Yes, kinda. I know I might will never get a chance to study abroad. But, at least I tried. at least I know that whatever meant for me will never miss me. Tho I might won't get the scholarship, it is okay. Tutte le strade portano a Roma, there are many ways to get to Rome. All I want to achieve is just to teach, studying abroad is just a way to reach it. LOL, this is actually just me motivating myself on my blog.
Friendship
I realized I have been being kinda hard on my sister. She's like the opposite me, anyway. She got a lot of bestfriends to hang out with everyday. On the other hand, me is a kind of girl with lot of friends but very very very small inner circle and doesn't like hanging out without purpose. So I happened to get irritated to her everytime she hangs out with her friends. I did it because I was afraid she would be sad when her friends leave her in the future. But, I realize that we're just different. She likes her life going like that. And I can't force her to act like me. Just because my friendship life is wrecked, doesn't mean she will have the issue like me too (I really pray it won't). So yup, I am now trying to get kinder to her. I wish she will be happy and won't have to go through heart breaks just to be mature.
Off the grid.
I don't know why but I think I kinda am. I think I am now in a period of time when I am overwhelmed by some things, and it makes me being off the grid, in a embarrassing way that I even laugh my self at and can't write it on blog. However, I know the medicine on how to get me back on the track. Basically just doing my sanity-starter-pack which I don't do for days: start journaling, reduce twitter usage, do laundry every morning, track my habit and basically.. do self-care routine. LOL.
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Wow, it is a quite long post.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal for He has blessed me with this week. I am glad I can learn on how to improve my self to be better, how to fit in to people by being me, how to define between taking critics to improve and to please people.
Have a good sleep.
Xoxo.
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