Welcoming june.

it's been 4 years since i don't celebrate any birthday, including mine. also, it's been four years since i have avoided to say any saying like "happy birthday" or "happy milad" or whatsoeva to my friends. simply because birthday is not coming from islam and it is tasyabbuh bil kuffar (#conservativemoslem: mode on)

but.. i don't know why i started to feel like i am excited of june (again), since a year ago.
i know it is wrooong at so many levels because why on earth do i have to get excited of my own birthday... isn't it the same with celebrating it?

well, i am sorry. i just miss the way people notice my existence. haha, human nature.

hmm.. i don't know but i am crying right now. i feel worse.. i don't fulfill my promise, i told june i wanted to be better. but look at me... i am a total mess, i can't even handle my own life.

it's just an older version of my self, but nothing changes in a good way. i am still immature, i can't manage my own money, and i am far away from Allah, june. i make a lot sins. like, a lot. i am losing the best version of nida. i am losing her for the sake of....... world? i am worried.

how if i get worse and worse each day? how if i completely lose my ideology just because i want to feel like i am loved? how if i...................

well, i think i have to get worried over it every day so that i'm reminded that i am just a slave of Him.

ah,
i'm nothing but numbered of days.
22 years have passed, yet my deeds are not enough for akhirah.

o, khoirunnida, what happened with you? you could probably die today or tomorrow. what are you going to answer on the judgment day?