I miss the old me.

I miss the time I had when I felt lonely, in a good way. The feeling I got when I went around my college alone, read alone, and had a few people near with me.

I was even SCARED to talk to boys. I knew a few of people only. And people didn’t know me, I was just a common girl in college who wore hijab, glasses, and braces.  I missed the time I went to majelis ‘ilm alone, had my own way from college to masjid and met my friends in deen.

I really didn’t want to be known. I worked hard just to be that nida.

But now,

I start to lose my ideology. I start to come back to the senior-high-school nida.  I am even sad to know that Bon Jovi is coming and I can’t attend that concert because..... you know. And yeah, I am known by many people. I also have become a mean girl who can talk trashy. I am a crap. I a mess. I am even worse than that senior-high-school nida.

I think about my future too much. I am becoming an independent girl. Too independent that I think I will become a feminist if I have no belief in Allah.

It’s really scary to know that I could be just another woman on earth who forgets Allah. I am scared if someday I will post my picture on Facebook. Take off my hijab, going beyond-too-independent, and ended up worse than now.

It’s scary to know some of my friends have started to lose their ideologies. They haven’t came back to majelis ‘ilm. They started to listen to the music. They post their photos on FB. They lose their shyness, something that all women should have.

I miss my old self. I really do.

And I don’t know if I will ever go back to the old me, or not.

But I think I will. Well, I hope I will.