Masjid Universitas Indonesia, pic by Fauzan Helmi Baru saja melihat beberapa foto teman lama di facebook. Terlintas pikiran-pikiran aneh datang.  Do I regret of being me, right now? Banyak mimpi yang aku sisihkan, figur yang sudah aku hapus namanya dari memori, prasangka orang sekitar yang sering sekali menyayat hati. Do I regret? Sekon pertama aku mulai berjalan, aku sudah dinasehati oleh wanita yang paling aku cintai, bahwa... it's never gonna be easy for me. Aku, yang masih begitu manja ini, harus sudah sering menerima praduga buruk orang. Harus berlapang dada menerima benturan pemikiran yang terjadi di sana sini. Aku, harus berjuang menahan diri walaupun aku bisa, dengan banyak hal yang aku jalani: mengajar, ikut kepanitiaan, menjadi seorang kepala departemen muslimah center, menjadi bagian dari tim riset di kampus, berdagang, dan lain-lain. Do I regret? Kadang kala, aku masih sama seperti dulu. Mimpiku besar, melambung bagai roket menuju angkasa.  Masih tetap ingin bekerja di Microsoft! Let's give me some laughs. Do I regret of being me, right now? I do not. I also did not. And hopefully will not. Apa yang aku pegang teguh sekarang, sungguh tidak pernah membuatku menyesal.  Ini mendewasakan aku.  Bukan berarti, mimpiku berhenti sampai disini. Bukan berarti pula, aku hanya duduk diam dan mencoba melupakan keinginan untuk membahagiakan orang tua. I have an old mission, plus the brand new one. With a different way to go. I got the map, all I should do is trying to go to the final zone. It will also be happier if I don't go alone. I see the gate, do you?

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

1. We usually feel extremely spiritful in our first experience in learning deen when we got new knowledges, for example bid'ah or shirk stuffs. With that high spirit, we tell our parents or friends about it, in a hard way. Without thinking the maslahat or mudharat that might be happened. What's the matter is: “Qulil Haq walau kaana murran, tell what's right even it is bitter”. Many ikwah are boycotted by their parents or environment because of it. And that makes us think "This is ghurabaa, islam is strange". Whereas, it might be because of our rude words to others, we are the one who make our selves strange, likely. Akhlaq management is needed, so we will be wiser in telling the truth.

• We give advices to our sisters who haven't worn jilbab and we say that they are equals to kuntilanak or whatsoever. Come on, can't you feel how hurt it is?
• We often lable something negative that comes from others, even if it is positives. Just because they do not understand what bid'ah is. Can't we just....see the words, not the speaker?

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullaahi wabarakatuh.

These recent weeks I have been asked with a same statement:

Nida berubah, ya.

If you mean I'm now different with I were used to because I dress different from what I wore, Yes I am.
If you mean I'm now different with I were used to because I now concern on what Islam really is, Yes I am.
If you mean I'm now different with I were used to because I create a distance to men, Yes I am.

Selebihnya?

I'm just the way I used to be.

I'm still the same crazy girl who loves to tell garing jokes.
I'm still the same stupid girl who kadang-kadang gak nyambung diajak ngobrol.
I'm still the same labile girl who can't decide by my own (mostly).
I'm still the same cheerful girl who loves being around with children.

I am now learning how to be more mature because I almost reach 19th dan terkadang (sering sih) masih manja hiks.

Somehow and sometimes, it hurts to hear that "Nida berubah, ya" statement. But I'm just trying to understand it as "Well Nida, you are now changing to be a better one, keep your spirit up" statement. You really should try to have a time with me, girls. Like, nothing is changed from me.

Somehow and sometimes, I also want to hang out with yo all. Kadang suka iri, seriously. Tapi hati kecil ini gak bisa bohong, gak kuat untuk gabung lagi karena....ada laki-laki. Well gue juga bukan seorang gadis idaman yang bisa jaga jarak segitunya sama laki-laki (di kampus aja masih berbaur kan), but I'm trying to minimize that ikhtilat  (bercampur-baurnya laki-laki dan perempuan) stuffs. Atau... kadang ya emang lagi gak pas aja waktunya jadi gak bisa ikut gabung hiks. Atau.... some other reasons. Qaddarallah.

Though I say for thousands that I'm not changed. You are the one who has a right to see me from the outside. All I just wanna say is:

Jika kalian benar-benar melihatku berubah secara keseluruhan, aku harap ini semua menuju Jannah-nya Allaah subhanallaahu wa ta'ala.

p.s:
gue masih menggunakan sneakers merah kesayangan yg super kece itu:))

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullaahi wabarakatuh.

This girl is finally back. Well, you know, I'm a typical blogger who only writes when I'm sad, like really. And maybe Allah gives me sucha sadness to bring me back here *nyengir*

So here I tell you some stories. Something happened with me last night, I read a line on rwitter which turned on my sadness&temperament at the same time. I know I'm no one but a girl with sins, but when an Islamic rule is played, I surely got sad....and angry. And so, this stupid girl did something without thinking twice. All you should know: Rasulullaah shollallahu 'alaihi wasallam NEVER told his ummah to do sucha thing, it was all my fault.

By then, I'm sorry, people, for every mistakes I've done. Hmm I also planned to deactive my twitter account, what always be my hesitation is: I'm going to sell some hijabs (hiks), and twitter is needed as  a marketing tool.

I'm now on the 2nd semester, and my whole life has changed since I became a college student.
1) I'm blessed with sucha manhaj, I finally know how pure Islam is. My whole questions are answered. I regret nothing at all. I...I just wanna keep it until my last breath, aamiin.
2) By having sucha way to live, all people around me start to see me different. I have heard a lot of bad talking behind me, much denial, and so on. But these all do not stop me at all. I know that this life is not permanent, I will die and will live in the hereafter, where all you've done in this world are measured. This is not easy......for sure. I'm standing up all alone, holding on... walking in silence... having a double identity.... but nothing is more beautiful than this. Maa syaa Allah.
3)You may see me as a college student who knows nothing and then taught by this way of salafussholih, and suddenly change my life. No, friends. You are wrong. I have tasted so many ways but when I found this, I couldn't give any denial.

Well, I want to give you so many stories about this, In syaa Allah later.

A sudden thought just came. by those denials, I also become a fragile girl, Al-Qawareer, as fragile as a mirror. I cry a lot, lol. If you only know how hard it is to hold on.... (I'm going to cry now but then I know I'm in my college's lab haha).

But do not see me as a victim of a manhaj. I'll never be any happier without this.
All I want is your du'a. To pray for me so that I can keep it in my heart until my last breath. Pray for me that I will not see anyone else as an enemy (because I had never). Pray for me to act and do like a muslimah should do. Pray for me to always be happy, though this might take a lot of energy. Pray for those who I love and those who love me.

This post is tijel, as usual. But then you know, a loneliness and much denial might attack me, but Allah is more than enough.

Wassalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Malam ini berbeda
Entah bulan yang tak mau pergi menepi
Atau fajar yang ingin menyingsing lebih awal.


Sujudku lebih berat dari biasanya
Punggungku tak lurus saat rukuk
Menahan aliran air mata yang sudah semakin deras

Bukan,
Bukan karena dosaku yang lebih banyak dari debu di padang pasir
Bukan karena harapku akan masa depan

Tapi,
Karena engkau terlihat bahagia sedang aku disini menderita
Karena engkau terlihat tanpa beban sedang aku disini berjuang
Karena aku malu akan diriku yang lebih rapuh dari kaca

Namun,
Aku tidak ingin kehilangan arah
Aku tidak ingin menodai hatiku dengan rasa dengki atas kebahagiaan yang engkau punya sekarang
Pun aku tidak ingin pelajaran tauhid hilang dari hatiku

Dan pada akhirnya aku berkata,
Kepada rindu yang terkadang menyayat hati, dengan takdir Ilahi lah aku harus percaya.