It seems so hard because I have to pack my stuffs from my dorm, Islamic Quran Foundation, this week.
And it is a permanent leaving.
It seems so hard because when I want to get closer to Alloh and fix my life to a right way, there is something happened and makes me can not live in dorm.
I know you might think that getting closer to Him can be done everywhere. But for a sinful lady like me, it is hard to do that outside a good environment.
And what makes everything harder is that I feel like people judging my disease happened to me because a sinful lady sok-sokan wants to be better by staying at islamic dorm. And what makes everything even harder it that they question about my relationship to God and consider what happened to me as a azab from God. They did say it harshly in front of me.

Really, people?

In my life, what scares me the most is when I am becoming a burden to anyone. And I know am a burden right now because I am sick. Because people have to worry at me, and they have to take care of  me. I do not wanna be a burden................ I just wanna make everyone happy. I am so sorry..
And not only that, I am the person that think very often that I do not matter to anyone. I mean, as long as people happy... I am happy too. I can not put my happiness over anyone else. But now, I make people sad and worried. At the moment, I just do not know if there is anyone in this whole world who care about me, who want me to live happily, who loves me.

Thus, I thought something really wrong: giving up on life.
Too much lemons, too many dramas, too many pains and less reasons to live.

But, after having hours crying to death and questioning my life, I finally am realized that I should not think that way. I have a reason to live: to worship Him, Alloh Jalla Jalaluhu. So, it does not matter how many lemons life has thrown at me, I should still believe and worship Him. And believe Him to the fullest. That, this life He has blessed me is a gift.

It is a shame if a mukmin thinks about giving up on life. It is just wrong at so many level.
It might be harder for me to face my life now, but I am trying... am trying to always be positive. I don't know if I am ready to go back to college this Tuesday, but ready or not, I will come back... I will do.

I said I didn't want to take any medicine, kan. But now, I will take it!
*gluk gluk*
Yay?
And after a day skipping any meal, I took it! (gakuat pusing banget like hangover)

Hmm.. I know some of you think that I am too emo, drama queen, over-feeling, and etc. It is okay, I can not expect you to understand how I feel right now because you will never know how it feels to step on my shoes and walk my life.  I am not playing as a victim here, please note this. This is just... how my life is. In other side, I am so grateful because some of you contacted me and tried to cheer me up and ordered me to take medicine. It is so heart-warming, I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart because your words mean a lot to me. I am not promising you all to me feeling positive all the time. But, I know when I hit by negativity some time, I will keep trying to beat it and continue my life because................

my life matters.