Just read a nice article on my facebook feed.
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/forgotten-childhood-traumas-wcz/

This really got me contemplating. I've read and watched things like this before. And all those articles and videos tell me that what happened in my past will kinda impact my future.
It scared me to the bone. I was afraid I would fail in life just because of that darkness.

But as I grow older and older, become more mature, I realize that past really makes me who I am today. And who nida today is completely not the same as nida thousand days ago. Because I am constructed with many things. With my belief, my ideology, my environment, my family, my past, my today, my goals, my orientation, etc. So, the thing is, I am not made ONLY by my past. You are not ONLY made by your past.

I am more positive than who I was yesterday. because I have God in my heart, i have guidance, i am not a lone wolf.


I do find people who kinda have same problems choosing to carry that weighted bag like forever. They refuse to throw it away. They perceive the bag as one of their organs.
Yes, sometimes it feels easier to stay in our cage, be sad, eaten by the darkness, sleep on our bed with tears everynight, feeling like we don't deserve to be loved at all.
But we can't stay like that! we have to get out of our cage and see the world! we have to find that there are so many people outside who love us. so many people outside who have worse problems than us, and be thankful to God, then. We all deserve to be loved. We all do.
And to be loved by people means that we have to love our self first.

I know, I literally know, that eventho you have removed that bag, still there will come a time when you feel like being lonely again somehow. But you can't be eaten by such as a feeling every time. It's okay to cry and be sad, but drown in tears are not okay anymore for you.

Another thing relate to the post I mentioned, if you have spouse with this kinda trauma, you need to understand his/her fully with your heart.
If you do have spouse who still caries the bag, please do give her/him love and encourage them to throw it all away. Not everyone can do this easily. It needs time and pure love to do that.
And if your spouse might not carry the bag anymore, please notice that the past might not haunt them again, but still.. she/he is constructed by the past, too.

I actually don't know if there's any proven theories to support what I wrote here. But this is what I believe. Well, it works on me ;-)

I just hope that whoever you are who face this will be happier than before. Remember, you've got Alloh with you. Insya Alloh :) If you wanna tell your stories, just contact me by email.

Gue sangat percaya bahwa kebahagiaan itu menular. Kayaknya gue juga pernah nulis di blog ini kalo gue suka main sama anak kecil karena kalo ngeliat mereka bahagia itu rasanya gue juga bahagiaaa banget. Alhamdulillaah.

Tadi, gue lagi gondok banget karena ngantri di fotokopi-an lamaa banget. Udah menggumpal rasa keselnya dalam dada karena gue gak mau marah-marahin mas-mas fotokopian. Tapi ya itu, dasar hati ini belom salim yaa teteup kesel, astaghfirulloh. udah mencoba inget-inget ucapan a'a gym "gak ada gunanya kesel, gak bikin semuanya lebih baik juga". Tapi teteeeup aja rasanya kesel, sampe mata udah berair. (fun fact about me: kalo gue nahan kesel, gue pasti nangis karena gamau mengekspresikan kekesalan). Astaghfirulloh. Yaudah kelar deh itu fotokopian.

Jalan ke lab TA udah dengan pikiran "pokoknya sampe meja, gw mau nangis. mau nangis. mau nangis."

Trus ketemu seorang teman tiba-tiba. Dia menceritakan kebahagiaannya, dengan ekspresi berbinar-binar. Nggatau beneran gue suka banget ngeliatin mata orang yang lagi bahagia. Ya Alloh............ langsuuuuung bahagia. Langsung hilang semua kekesalan, hati jadi adem, ih masya Alloh banget, deh! Alhamdulillaah.

Ibroh yang bisa didapat: spread happiness, who knows... someone might have a bad day. banyak lho orang di luar sana yang butuh disirami kebahagiaan hingga bisa jadi ikutan bahagia juga. Either kalian cuma senyum/sapa orang, itu mah udah ngebantu orang-orang banget.

Gue percaya, Alloh menciptakan bahagia itu dengan sebuah kesederhanaan di dalamnya. Kebahagiaan itu bukan materi, bukan uang, bukan kekayaan, bukan jabatan, bukan gelar, bukan luas rumah, bukan merk kendaraan, bukan tas, dan lain-lain. Happiness is indeed a state of heart, given by Him. 

Yesterday, something happened to me. Something so little yet it slaps me mentally, making me realized how sinful I had became. People, the only reason why you still look me kind is only because Alloh has covered all of my sins perfectly. So perfect that it makes you think I am kind, I am good, I commit less sin than you do. Alloh showed me yesterday that.... if He opened my sins for just an inch, I would be just.................................................. left. by everyone.

hiks, gimana ya,
Padahal ya, hati ini benerannnn kotor banget astaghfirulloh. akhlaq itu pancaran hati manusia. kalian liat aja deh kelakuan gue gimana, gak ada baik-baiknya. Beneran mau nyantren aja Ya Alloh biar hati ini jadi salim TvT udah gakuat lagi.

i am just too sinful for................ jannah. how can I even reach jannah if I am still like this?
Kok bisa-bisanya ya, saat hidup gue itu tergantung sama Alloh, kok gue malah mikirin pandangan makhluk Alloh. Mikirin ini, mikirin itu. Padahal yang harus dipikirin mah......... hereafter life. Yauda gitu aja. Nggatau sampe kapan jadi orang bodoh begini. Tobat ya, mba nida. Tq.

“Cinta itu mensucikan akal, mengenyahkan kekhawatiran, memunculkan keberanian, mendorong berpenampilan rapi, membangkitkan selera makan, menjaga akhlak mulia, membangkitkan semangat, mengenakan wewangian, memperhatikan pergaulan yang baik, serta menjaga adab dan kepribadian. Tapi cinta juga merupakan ujian bagi orang-orang yang shaleh dan cobaan bagi ahli ibadah." — Kutipan dari kitab Taman Orang-orang Jatuh Cinta dan Memendam Rindu.

Huehehee......... bukannya ngerjain skripsi eh malah nonton ginian. Ya gapapa sih, menambah ilmu serta khazanah insya Alloh. Emang yah, apa-apa tuh langsung hubungi Alloh aja deh... kalo lagi begini atau begitu, ya udah langsung hubungi Alloh. Yang tau mana yang terbaik buat kita mah Alloh :") Haduu... adem kayanya yah kalo tiap saat bisa langsung inget Alloh, apa daya diri ini imannya lemah dan sok tau mana yang baik, hiks.. Moga kita semua selalu dekat dengan Alloh... Moga semua hal dalam hidup bisa dikembalikannya ke Alloh, bukan ke makhluknya :'D Kalopun udah nikah nanti, moga ajaaa kalian dan aku mah dijauhin dari menjadi bucin alias budak cinta, hahaha. Mau status single atau mingle atau apakek, Alloh mah haruss jadi yang pertama, bukan makluk-Nya, bukan pasangan kita. Sia-sia atuh kalo misalkan kerja sekarang cuma buat demi cinta, sia-sia atuh kalo belajar cuma buat si dia. Hiiiih, hati-hati syirik kecil #NTMSBANGET. Semuanya harus karena Alloh, ya khaaan.... da kita mah apa atuh hanyalah hamba Alloh :'(

Walaupun di meja lab TA ada buku Taman Orang-orang Jatuh Cinta dan Memendam Rindu-nya Imam Ibn Qoyyim Al-Jauziyah dan di blog kerjannya ngepost ginian, that doesn't always mean I got love struck loh ya........... :p 

Ingat-ingat post love later, guys! #AllohFirst #LoveLater 

I am still learning how to keep that-little-girl soul inside me calm. I don't want to show it to the world. I know I haven't fully been transformed into a super strong independent woman right now. Sometimes, it feels so hard to keep everything inside your heart and act like life's easy.
But I know one thing, dunya is never been easy to anyone.  Well, I am glad I still can be that broken little girl...... in front of The Almighty God, Alloh Jalla Jalaluhu :)

Alhamdulillaah.... Thank you, Alloh, for always blessing me with sooo much favors I can't deny! Thru the thick and thin, you always help me to be happy again and again. And........ thank you, Nida, for always trying to stand up on your own. You go, woman!  Jannah awaits you.. insya Alloh.

Nid,
you can do this. you have been thru a time like this before, you passed it. you made it! and you will insya Alloh!
whenever you feel sad, remember there are billions of cells in your body and all they care about is......... you. only you, none else. you are irreplaceable. the one and only khoirunnida with tons of good vibes on earth. you've got Alloh in your heart, and that should more than enough.
that is more than enough :)

Alhamdulillahilladzibini'matihi tatimmus shalihaat. Walaupun dua hari belakangan gue gak benar banget hidupnya (include sampai tadi siang), Alloh masih sayang sama nida banget. Masih diberi kesempatan untuk hadir ke majelis ta'lim mingguan this afternoon. 
Di saat hati udah mulai gak bener due to exceed hormones, majelis ta'lim tuh kayak oase banget deh. Nggak salah emang kalo majelis ta'lim itu juga disebut raudhatul jannah: taman-taman syurga. Ngeliat teman-teman sholihah itu rasanya ademm banget dan jadi tamparan buat diri sendiri kenapa masih aja kotor hatinya.

Banyak pelajaran dari kajian tafsir hari ini, tadi sih membahas Al-Baqoroh ayat 234 sampai dengan akhir juz 2. Masya Alloh, baru tau looh kisah nabi Samuel yang ada di Qur'an dan bagaimana nabi Daud mengalahkan Jalut alias Goliath. Wah! Betapa cetek ilmu agama ini. Parahsih. Moga aja bisa rutin bikin notulensi kajian di blog ini deh, biar isi blog ini bermanfaat dan gak cuma tentang hidup nida yang nyampah ini aja :'D

Lesson learned paling berkesan today adalah: bagaimana memaknai peristiwa.
Pernah gak sih kalian mikir kalo sakit yang kalian derita itu adalah sebuah ujian atau azab dari Alloh? Ujian atau azab ya?! Pernah juga gak sih bingung kalo kalian dapat sebuah hal yang baik, itu berarti nikmat dari Alloh atau istidraj ya? (istidraj means suatu pemberian dari Alloh yang looks like nikmat padahal itu cuma diberikan untuk membuat seorang hamba lebih jauh dari Alloh lagi, lebih maksiat lagi, dst).
Gue sering banget mikir gitu. Nah, disatu sisi... kita diajarkan untuk prasangka baik alias husnudzhon sama Alloh. Tapi kalo kita husnudzhon, nah nanti kita alpa dari instropeksi diri karena mikirnya kita mah disayang Alloh mulu. Jadi gimana dong?

Jawaban dari ustadz:
Sebagai seorang mukmin, sikap yang seharusnya kita lakukan adalah HHC alias harap-harap cemas. Kita haruuuus berhusnudzhon sama Alloh. Anggaplah sakit ini sebagai ujian dari Alloh agar kita bisa semakin dekat dengan Alloh. Anggap kita dapat nikmat dari Alloh agar kita terus bersyukur sama Alloh. But on the other hand, kita juga harus cemas. Cemas bahwa sebenarnya kita tuh punya banyak dosaaa......... cemas kalo sakit ini bisa jadi azab kalo kita gak inget Alloh terus.
Ya intinya, tergantung kita menyikapinya, kalo kita mencoba untuk terus dekat dengan Alloh saat kita susah insya Alloh itu adalah ujian, dan kalo kita mencoba dekat dengan Alloh saat kita bahagia... insya Alloh itu nikmat :-)

Satu lagi, kalo kita ditimpa musibah/ujian, kita wajib untuk bersabar. Bersabar means gak ngeluh, ikhlaas, walaupun tetep sedih, ya gapapaa... nah sedangkan, kalo ditimpa musibah/ujian kita bersikap bahagia, itu sunnah aja. misalnya senenggg gitu jadi ada cara untuk melebur dosa.
Tapi, sebaiknya emang tetep bahagia gitu walo ditimpa musibah :')

Sekian, semoga post ini ada manfaatnya walau sedikit.