It seems so hard because I have to pack my stuffs from my dorm, Islamic Quran Foundation, this week.
And it is a permanent leaving.
It seems so hard because when I want to get closer to Alloh and fix my life to a right way, there is something happened and makes me can not live in dorm.
I know you might think that getting closer to Him can be done everywhere. But for a sinful lady like me, it is hard to do that outside a good environment.
And what makes everything harder is that I feel like people judging my disease happened to me because a sinful lady sok-sokan wants to be better by staying at islamic dorm. And what makes everything even harder it that they question about my relationship to God and consider what happened to me as a azab from God. They did say it harshly in front of me.

Really, people?

In my life, what scares me the most is when I am becoming a burden to anyone. And I know am a burden right now because I am sick. Because people have to worry at me, and they have to take care of  me. I do not wanna be a burden................ I just wanna make everyone happy. I am so sorry..
And not only that, I am the person that think very often that I do not matter to anyone. I mean, as long as people happy... I am happy too. I can not put my happiness over anyone else. But now, I make people sad and worried. At the moment, I just do not know if there is anyone in this whole world who care about me, who want me to live happily, who loves me.

Thus, I thought something really wrong: giving up on life.
Too much lemons, too many dramas, too many pains and less reasons to live.

But, after having hours crying to death and questioning my life, I finally am realized that I should not think that way. I have a reason to live: to worship Him, Alloh Jalla Jalaluhu. So, it does not matter how many lemons life has thrown at me, I should still believe and worship Him. And believe Him to the fullest. That, this life He has blessed me is a gift.

It is a shame if a mukmin thinks about giving up on life. It is just wrong at so many level.
It might be harder for me to face my life now, but I am trying... am trying to always be positive. I don't know if I am ready to go back to college this Tuesday, but ready or not, I will come back... I will do.

I said I didn't want to take any medicine, kan. But now, I will take it!
*gluk gluk*
Yay?
And after a day skipping any meal, I took it! (gakuat pusing banget like hangover)

Hmm.. I know some of you think that I am too emo, drama queen, over-feeling, and etc. It is okay, I can not expect you to understand how I feel right now because you will never know how it feels to step on my shoes and walk my life.  I am not playing as a victim here, please note this. This is just... how my life is. In other side, I am so grateful because some of you contacted me and tried to cheer me up and ordered me to take medicine. It is so heart-warming, I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart because your words mean a lot to me. I am not promising you all to me feeling positive all the time. But, I know when I hit by negativity some time, I will keep trying to beat it and continue my life because................

my life matters.

This afternoon, my chest hurt so badly I think it's worse than I've experienced about 2 weeks ago. Then I bleed, again. There, I realized something, bisa aja karena:

1. I drank two effin cups of coffee today - the iced one from the refrigerator; the super unhealthy kinda of coffee
2.  Gue sudah jahat sama banyak orang, it corrupts myself I guess. Kejahatan gue bisa aja terpendam dan menjadi sebuah penyakit yang bersarang pada diri ini, KYAA. astaghfirulloh

 Tadinya, gue ngerasa pusying banget karena disaat gue lagi panik banget banget banget dan need advice, orang-orang gada yang peduli sama gue. Terus, karena drama kehidupan ciwi yang membuat gue merasa emangnya gue salah buat temenan sama orang. Jadi, pusying. Ngerasa kenapa orang-orang gada yang mau merhatiin gue sedalam gue merhatiin mereka ataupun mencoba mengerti gue seperti gue mencoba mengerti mereka. I know that my biggest weakness is that I give too much to people: my feeling, my time, my energy, my understanding, etc. I've been in a few points where I know people won't give back what I've been giving them with the same amount.

Tapi, itu tadi.
Setelah melewati jalan pulang sambil merenung banyak.. Gue sadar banget kalo gue salah.  Gue bukan korban, tapi malah jadi orang yang jahat. Gue gaboleh punya perasaan untuk "meminta" apa yang udah gue kasih ke orang-orang. Biasanya gue gak pernah ngerasa gitu sih, paling ngerasa gitu kalo lagi monthly disaster like now aja. Tapi, gue mau mencoba untuk menjadi dewasa dengan gak melulu mengikuti hormon yang kalo diikutin bisa bikin gila :) Gue minta maaf untuk semua orang yang udah dirugikan dengan keberadaan gue dalam beberapa kesempatan, termasuk hari ini. Gue akan terus mencoba untuk menjadi teman yang baik bagi kalian semua :D

I will give everything I have for people around me, because I love doing it! And I am now currently trying to completely erase the demanding feeling. As long as you guys are happy, I am happy too. Terus maaf juga kalo ada beberapa post di blog ini yang membuat kalian merasa tersakiti / sedih, I mean nothing but to make readers happy..... I will try to filter what I am saying here :)

If an elephant dies leaving tusk in world, then...
If I die some day, I want to leave happiness. I want people to remember Nida as a girl with tons of positive vibes that always makes people happy :) 

Btw sudah handle permasalahan yang tadi sendiriiii hyuu wkwkwk ternyata ga se-stress kalo ngikutin hormon+panik+baper, semoga ibunya ngebolehin yah bismillah! kalo ngga ya........ berdoa aja deh :))) ~
Bonus pap bayi gajah lucuuuuk:

Welcome back, my lady! -Siti Zahra, a male cat with female name.

Oooooo... How I really miss my room. My little tiny cutie pie room. My sweety pinky room. My love, the place where I find light and eaten by darkness. The one I share my life with, the one who knows who the real me is,

I am back!

There is, of course, deep sadness in my heart to accept the fact that I will never be permitted to go back to Indonesian Qur'an Foundation. My pesantren-kinda life with dorm mates is over. I am so broken. But I have to put my health first and do the treatment as well as possible. I will keep pursuing my dream to memorize qur'an. Likely, I will double up my private lesson and do tahfidzh program with my arabic private teacher. She is a mentor in Rumah Qur'an also. Yayness!

Dear IQF mates who read my blog, thank you is not enough for you. jazakumullahu khoyran. thank you for letting this sinful lady with bad attitudes lives with you for 1,5 months. Do not forget about me, yah. Pray for me always.... I love you all for the sake of Allah. Go catch your dreams. May we all be hafidzhoh qur'an and meet in jannah, aamiin. 

Okay I write another post for IQF specially.

So speaking of my room, it is kinda empty because I put some of my stuffs at Hanifah dorm, IQF. And I think I need to re-decorate it because I will likely spend my times more in this room since I am not permitted to do any activity besides college (plus competitions and teaching assistant role, I begged my mom for this one).

My mom is going beyond strict, LOL. I have never treated this way. I used to be a super strong girl who goes everywhere I like. But now....

• Nida you can not do anything beside college (#OKAY)
• Nida you have to go home right after class finished (#OKAY)
• Nida you can not kiss your cat (#OKAY)
• Nida you can not be near with your cat, you will get infected (#WHAT?!)
•  Nida you can not eat sambal, chocolate or blabla (#WHAT?!)
• Nida you have to eat 5 white-eggs per day (#WHAT I am going to be fatter really soon, I am dead)
• Nida you have to drink bear-brand milk 3 cans per day (#WHAT I am done with life, fat is coming)
• Nida eat this
• Nida eat that
• Nida don't you dare do diet
• etc

Khoirunnida will be a KUPU-KUPU (Kuliah-pulang-kuliah-pulang) in her last year, HA-HA-HA. And fat, really fat. My diet plan is over because I have to follow the treatment. Sadly, as planned by Noom coach, I could turn 47kg in this November huhu. But thinking how they force me to eat  a lot, I think I will be 80kg or something, GOD PLEASE HELP MEH..
It is okay lah, mau gimana lagi. For the sake of my health. For the sake of my family. For the sake of my future babies (hiks).

Anyway, I am kinda excited and scared at the same time. I am 100% a people person. I love to be with people. But, I gotta reduce my activities, which means I am going to have more time alone.

So, I am looking for a list of things to do!

I actually have a stack of dreams to reach in college, but it is so ambitious. I will still try to catch those dreams, tho. But now, I am looking for the FUN TO-DO-LIST! The kind of activities that are fun, useful, simple, not-tiring and impactful :}

I have browsed it on internet, and found some:

• http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/things-you-have-to-do-before-you-graduate-college#.cfVP7mbJ3
• http://www.businessinsider.com/33-things-you-have-to-do-in-college-2013-8?IR=T&op=1
• http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/entertainment/summer-activities
• http://www.randomthingstodo.com/funniest

But I haven't found a perfect list. Thus, I decide to create one from the scratch. Still thinking what things should I do...

Hmmm.. Do you guys have any idea? What thing should I do? 
Please comment below if you have one. XOXO.

I really think that there is particular strain of people who are simply born to be in relationships.
I’d imagine this is an excellent way to be.
I’d imagine that the capacity to prioritize other people is indicative of a strong self-concept. That the people who can enter and remain in relationships without second-guessing themselves every step of the way have something figured out that the rest of us haven’t.
But the truth is, I wouldn’t know.
Nothing about relationships has ever felt natural to me.

I think that if there is a particular strain of relationship people, I must be of the opposite breed. The kind that looks at the task of combining two lives together as a sort of emotional Everest. The kind that feels their chest constricting at each milestone they surpass. The kind that sees compromise or accommodation as the ultimate betrayal of themselves – even the best kind of compromise. Even the healthiest, most expansive form of interpersonal growth.

It’s as though there’s a quiet, insistent voice in the back of my mind that consistently warns me not to give or lend too much, for fear that there’ll be nothing left over. That enough giving will simply tap me dry. As though hearts and happiness and love are finite measures that must be conserved at all costs. As though giving in on even the smallest matter runs the risk of bowling me over.
So many people seem to find it so natural to lend themselves to others: To give time and emotion and investment away, never worrying about what they’re losing in the process. Never wondering how else they could be using that time. Investing that energy. Harnessing that emotion. But for a particular variety of people, it’s haunting – any small act of giving up ourselves.

Because the thing is, I belong completely to myself.
I always have. 

It’s a blessing when you need to go seek what you want out of the world on your own. It is a blessing when you need to take risks in a way that requires true self-confidence. It is a blessing when you push yourself professionally, academically, personally, to move eternally closer to the life that you want.
But the remaining ten percent of the time it’s a curse.

It’s a curse when you fall in love with someone else. 

It’s a curse when you start to grow up – when the camaraderie of being young and foolish together subsides and people begin to settle into real relationships – the kind that require interdependency. It’s a curse when you want that, too. When you want to be able to compromise so badly that it tears you apart at the seams. And yet some deeply seated part of yourself won’t let go.

Won’t let go of the notion that your heart isn’t meant to belong to someone else. That nothing will ever be bigger or stronger or more important than the life that you want on your own. That no matter how much you love somebody else, you are never going to be able to achieve one hundred percent of what you want out of life while you belong, in part, to someone besides yourself.

That you were never meant to be half of a whole. That you’re already complete on your own.
And as soon as this mindset consumes you, you’re done. You know that at some point or another, no matter how badly you want things to work with someone else, they will always, inevitably, fall apart. They fall apart slowly. They fall apart seamlessly. They fall apart in a series of small, covert moments where you choose yourself over the other person. When you say no instead of yes. When you go instead of stay. When you only pretend to entertain the option that would be the best for both of you, because you already know what is best for yourself.

And what’s best is always going to be the thing that calls to you. The thing that entices you. The thing that haunts you in the dead of night when you are lying happily in bed beside somebody else.
Because some people were born intuitively knowing how to love and some were born intuitively knowing how to be alone.

Maybe a happy mixture of both can be achieved eventually.
But for now, you only know how to be alone.