Ada kafilah yang berlalu menjelang malam
jalan berdebu dan malam merambat kelam
mereka menggiring hasrat menyatu dengan bumi
perjalananpun tenggelam di balik ambisi
Bintang malam menuntun yang mereka harapkan
yang menggantung di atas bintang dan kenikmatan
dalam pemeliharaan yang tidak di dapat orang lain
tak peduli celaan orang yang suka melontar celaan  

Tonight, I went back to Indonesian Qur'an Foundation.
I miss the place, the people, the aura, the calmness, and everything.
I am jealous with them.
They have a chance to be a mahasantri there. They live there together, they have memorized many many ayat of Qur'an. They study tafsir, fiqh, arabic, and other lessons regularly. They have a chance to study islamic courses after having a full day in college.

I am jealous with them.
I wish I could go back there, Yaa Rabb..
Tika (saudari yang dipasangkan ke gw oleh Ustadzah) tadi lagi tasmi' satu juz... Harusnya Nida juga barengan tasmi' kaya gitu :'(

But then again, ini semua qodarullaah. Dan khoirunnida harus mengimani semuanya.
Tadi ketemu sama Ustadz Hasan Zukhri, Lc (hafidzahulloh),  gw bilang sama beliau kalo gw udah sembuh dan orang tua merestui, mau banget balik kesana. Dan apa yang beliau bilang?
He thanked me. Beliau berdo'a agar khoirunnida bisa balik kesana.
Dan gw belom dianggap keluar dari IQF karena udzur gw syar'i. Jadi... gw tetep harus menjalani program Tahfizh Smart 4 dari jarak jauh sampai gw sembuh, which gw harus tetep commit untuk melakukan Qur'an Time sesuai dengan ketentuan IQF dan targetnya juga sama. Terharu banget. Masya Alloh.

Khoirunnida ini hanyalah hamba Alloh, yang diri dan jiwanya adalah milik Alloh.
Hidup dan mati gw aja punya Alloh, apalagi ketentuan untuk stay di asrama kayak gini... Semua keputusan milik Alloh.

Dan satu hal yang ustadzah umi, asatidzah lain dan teman-teman terus katakan ke gw:

It is not a matter of place. Wherever you are, stay close with Qur'an.

Yap, betul banget.
IQF adalah fasilitas, gak berada di IQF bukan berarti khoirunnida ga bisa dekat dengan Qur'an.
Entah akan balik ke IQF atau tidak, aku harus tetap semangat.
Kalian juga.
Yaay ayo semangat, teman-teman! Do not forget our guidance, Al-Qur'an dan As-sunnah.
Let's be a better one...
We can do this. Let's go to infinity..... and beyond! :D

I've read an article titled "How being nice can make you depressed", here it is:











































This is how you start to love yourself…

 ----------
I read the article twice. Two weeks ago and just now. 
Two weeks ago, I read that with a sad feeling inside of me, affected by environment. And yes, you can guess, I completely agreed with the article. I thought I was going to give up being nice, and i wanna just be a fuck-off lady who doesn't give any damn to people around. 

But then, I read the article just now with a fine feeling.
And I disagree. 
I mean, being nice is not something I do to please others. Being nice is a need for my own self. I just love being nice, eventho I sometimes am not. I don't care whether people will treat me nice back or not. 

And yup, there is no such as thing as being too nice. We all are just nice, not too nice. Because sometimes, we are selfish too. But that's okay because we all are a human afterall. We seek for love, we seek for acceptance, we hate, we are angry, etc. But that doesn't mean we have to stop being nice. 

So, if any of you have felt depressed just because you think you are being too nice to people, it's okay. You are a human, afterall. But do not make yourself suffered much. Stay cool. Stay alive. Release the feeling. Stand up for yourself. Speak up. Love yourself. Keep going. Keep being nice!

Afterall, Being nice is a happiness. And happiness is a parfume you can not pour on others while not pouring on yourself first :)

//Khoirunnida tumben lagi bener,
Abis ke madinah agency beli buku Fiqh wanita&Taman-taman orang yang jatuh cinta dan memendam rindu-nya Ibn Qoyyim Al-Jauziyyah//
//WKWKWK//

It seems so hard because I have to pack my stuffs from my dorm, Islamic Quran Foundation, this week.
And it is a permanent leaving.
It seems so hard because when I want to get closer to Alloh and fix my life to a right way, there is something happened and makes me can not live in dorm.
I know you might think that getting closer to Him can be done everywhere. But for a sinful lady like me, it is hard to do that outside a good environment.
And what makes everything harder is that I feel like people judging my disease happened to me because a sinful lady sok-sokan wants to be better by staying at islamic dorm. And what makes everything even harder it that they question about my relationship to God and consider what happened to me as a azab from God. They did say it harshly in front of me.

Really, people?

In my life, what scares me the most is when I am becoming a burden to anyone. And I know am a burden right now because I am sick. Because people have to worry at me, and they have to take care of  me. I do not wanna be a burden................ I just wanna make everyone happy. I am so sorry..
And not only that, I am the person that think very often that I do not matter to anyone. I mean, as long as people happy... I am happy too. I can not put my happiness over anyone else. But now, I make people sad and worried. At the moment, I just do not know if there is anyone in this whole world who care about me, who want me to live happily, who loves me.

Thus, I thought something really wrong: giving up on life.
Too much lemons, too many dramas, too many pains and less reasons to live.

But, after having hours crying to death and questioning my life, I finally am realized that I should not think that way. I have a reason to live: to worship Him, Alloh Jalla Jalaluhu. So, it does not matter how many lemons life has thrown at me, I should still believe and worship Him. And believe Him to the fullest. That, this life He has blessed me is a gift.

It is a shame if a mukmin thinks about giving up on life. It is just wrong at so many level.
It might be harder for me to face my life now, but I am trying... am trying to always be positive. I don't know if I am ready to go back to college this Tuesday, but ready or not, I will come back... I will do.

I said I didn't want to take any medicine, kan. But now, I will take it!
*gluk gluk*
Yay?
And after a day skipping any meal, I took it! (gakuat pusing banget like hangover)

Hmm.. I know some of you think that I am too emo, drama queen, over-feeling, and etc. It is okay, I can not expect you to understand how I feel right now because you will never know how it feels to step on my shoes and walk my life.  I am not playing as a victim here, please note this. This is just... how my life is. In other side, I am so grateful because some of you contacted me and tried to cheer me up and ordered me to take medicine. It is so heart-warming, I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart because your words mean a lot to me. I am not promising you all to me feeling positive all the time. But, I know when I hit by negativity some time, I will keep trying to beat it and continue my life because................

my life matters.

This afternoon, my chest hurt so badly I think it's worse than I've experienced about 2 weeks ago. Then I bleed, again. There, I realized something, bisa aja karena:

1. I drank two effin cups of coffee today - the iced one from the refrigerator; the super unhealthy kinda of coffee
2.  Gue sudah jahat sama banyak orang, it corrupts myself I guess. Kejahatan gue bisa aja terpendam dan menjadi sebuah penyakit yang bersarang pada diri ini, KYAA. astaghfirulloh

 Tadinya, gue ngerasa pusying banget karena disaat gue lagi panik banget banget banget dan need advice, orang-orang gada yang peduli sama gue. Terus, karena drama kehidupan ciwi yang membuat gue merasa emangnya gue salah buat temenan sama orang. Jadi, pusying. Ngerasa kenapa orang-orang gada yang mau merhatiin gue sedalam gue merhatiin mereka ataupun mencoba mengerti gue seperti gue mencoba mengerti mereka. I know that my biggest weakness is that I give too much to people: my feeling, my time, my energy, my understanding, etc. I've been in a few points where I know people won't give back what I've been giving them with the same amount.

Tapi, itu tadi.
Setelah melewati jalan pulang sambil merenung banyak.. Gue sadar banget kalo gue salah.  Gue bukan korban, tapi malah jadi orang yang jahat. Gue gaboleh punya perasaan untuk "meminta" apa yang udah gue kasih ke orang-orang. Biasanya gue gak pernah ngerasa gitu sih, paling ngerasa gitu kalo lagi monthly disaster like now aja. Tapi, gue mau mencoba untuk menjadi dewasa dengan gak melulu mengikuti hormon yang kalo diikutin bisa bikin gila :) Gue minta maaf untuk semua orang yang udah dirugikan dengan keberadaan gue dalam beberapa kesempatan, termasuk hari ini. Gue akan terus mencoba untuk menjadi teman yang baik bagi kalian semua :D

I will give everything I have for people around me, because I love doing it! And I am now currently trying to completely erase the demanding feeling. As long as you guys are happy, I am happy too. Terus maaf juga kalo ada beberapa post di blog ini yang membuat kalian merasa tersakiti / sedih, I mean nothing but to make readers happy..... I will try to filter what I am saying here :)

If an elephant dies leaving tusk in world, then...
If I die some day, I want to leave happiness. I want people to remember Nida as a girl with tons of positive vibes that always makes people happy :) 

Btw sudah handle permasalahan yang tadi sendiriiii hyuu wkwkwk ternyata ga se-stress kalo ngikutin hormon+panik+baper, semoga ibunya ngebolehin yah bismillah! kalo ngga ya........ berdoa aja deh :))) ~
Bonus pap bayi gajah lucuuuuk: