Nidi's online diary.: Januari 2016

Drowning

I'm waiting for things to unfreeze till you release me from the ice block. It's been floating for ages washed up by the sea. And it's drowning, thought you should know that ―Adithya Sofyan.

Every time I am pushing my self to get closer to Allah, I feel like something pulling me to the sea of darkness where they want me to be drowned.

Syaithon memang selalu cerdik, ya. Mereka selalu cari cara supaya manusia bisa terus tenggelam dalam dosa-dosanya. Syaithon sepertinya tau kelemahan gue apa: masa lalu dengan segala kekecewaan, kesedihan, hingga kehampaan.

Or I can simply call it as pengharapan kepada manusia.

Kadang gue berpikir, kenapa selalu aja hal itu yang menarik-narik gue untuk tenggelam lagi?

Kenapa selalu aja hal itu yang dibisikkan ke gue? Kenapa bukan dosa-dosa gue yang lain?

Hal itu; The thing that is able to make me staring at the wall for minutes, throwing the bitterness to every inches of me.

Malam ini, gue akhirnya mencoba untuk mencari jawaban atas kata tanya mengapa tersebut.

Mungkin,

Mungkin ya. Karena hanya Allah yang tau kenapa di balik ini semua.

Tapi, hasil kontempelasi gue malam ini adalah.....

Syaithon selalu membisikkan gue hal itu karena itu bisa menjerumuskan gue ke dalam dosa terbesar: berharap dan bergantung kepada selain Allah.

Ya, berharap.

Serem!

Seolah-olah jika hal itu nggak ada, maka hidup gue selesai, meaningless, hilang arah.

Berharap kepada hal itu, seakan-akan hal itu lah yang memberikan gue kebahagiaan di dunia ini, yang membuat gue bisa semangat hidup.

Hmm..

Entah sampai kapan syaithon akan terus mengingatkan gue terhadap hal-hal yang harusnya udah gue kubur di masa lalu sejak donkey years ago........

Yang jelas,

I just wish I could push my self getting closer to Him.

I just wish I wouldn't drown, anymore!

Kalo diingetin dosa gini juga ada sisi positifnya, jadi ngerasa kotor banget... banyak dosa euy! Astaghfirullah. Terus, jadi bisa instropeksi agar tidak tenggelam di lautan lagi.

Hayuk ah sebagai manusia kita mah berharap sama Allah aja....

Another thing to note,

Lan tarji'al ayyaami al-laty madhoots

0Comments

, by Khoirunnida

In self-reminder,

Remembrance in morning

0Comments

, by Khoirunnida

Let the journey begin

0Comments

, by Khoirunnida

In self-reminder,

Night contemplating: akhirul zaman

The night feels so peacefully silent. Some people choose to sleep, some people still work, and others choose to maintain their relationship to God ―crying their heart out of this prison called dunya.

I am not as good as those people, so here I am contemplating by writing.

This is literally the akhirul zaman. Just got the broadcast message about the signs of doomsday that now are already existed. This got me scared to the bone. With so so little amount of deeds, I know I can't face the reality that will happen in the yaumul hisab. Maybe, I am not a smart woman who can see those signs of doomsday based on science, but I know something.....

Muslim are leaving sunnah Rasulullah sholallahu 'alaihi wa sallam

Now look at my self.
A friend of me just asked me to fast tomorrow. And the thought of insya Allah lah if I wake up early for sahoor, it is just a sunnah, tho crossed my mind. So, who am I compared with sahabah Rasulullah (rodhiallahu 'anhum) whom they have been promised jannah by Allah yet they still work hard to get more deeds? who am I?
And by the sunnah, it is not only the sunnah in fiqh.
It is more than that. Sunnah is the way of Rasulullah lived.

Now look at my self,
I watch movies with so many faults in it, yet I still laugh hard and enjoy myself in things that I shouldn't do. Where is the concept of Al-wala' wa-l-bara' I really believe? Am I just believing it without even implementing what I do believe?

Now look at my self.
I got so many hatred in my own heart. I judge people easily, I mock those who seems are lost ―when I actually should help them. Who am I daring to label my self as the follower of Rasulullah when I don't follow the way Rasulullah loves humankind? Who am I daring to consider myself loving him?

Sometimes,
I defend my sins by thinking it's okay lah... the super alim A who memorizes many hadits are still dating a girl tho... why on earth should this sinful lady hold herself back, then?

That thought is so wrong, in so many levels.

I shouldn't look for nowadays muslim to be a role model.

I have enough guidance: Al-Qur'an, Sunnah, and ijtihad ulama.

Sometimes,

I get mad and sad at the same time when I see a human I adore ―because of his/her religiosity― commits a sin. I feel betrayed, somehow.

But then again, they are all a human, after all. They do deeds and commit sin, just like me. When they do commit sin, I warn myself not to judge 'em easily and try to give 'em excuse.

If they inspire me, then it is good for 'em and me alhamdulillaah ―may Allah bless 'em.

But then, the reason why I do deeds and avoid sins should only because of Him, Allaah Jalla Jalaluhu.

Maybe there are people outside who do feel dissapointed when they know me committing sin, astaghfirullaah.
I just want to remind those who might adore me for my religiosity on the outside, please do not put hope on me at all. For I am a sinful lady whose sins are kept by Him. Please just correct me if I am wrong and give me naseha for islam is a religion of naseha, and... just don't make me as a role model. Get inspired by Rasulullah, nabi, sahabiyah, and ulama. May Allah bless you.

I have learnt and learnt,

The more I put hope on human (for any purpose), the easier I will get hurt.

As we are now in the akhirul zaman,

I think I need to remind myself very often to keep going back to Him. Faafiru ilallah. For worshiping Him is the purpose of my (our) life.

So, Flee unto Allaah (51:50)
Let's run back together to Him. If we can't run, we may walk. If we can't walk, we may crawl.
Just make sure we don't stuck.
Let's revive the sunnah, too.
Sorry if I write this unstructured.

فلا تعصي إلهك وأطعه

دواما علّ تحظى بالقبول

Love,

خير